I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
