I am puke
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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