i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
