oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We left the knife in your bed.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
