Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
