I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
