I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
All the doctor said was why
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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