her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
