Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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