Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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