Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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