i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
