guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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