You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
