She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
