Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
