I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
