This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
