it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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