gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
