It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
