So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You are a genius and a whore.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
