I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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