i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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