He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize