Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize