Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
