Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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