I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
