i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
