Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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