We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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