i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
