My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
