My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
