she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
