I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
