I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My hand turned me down
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
