When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
