To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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