I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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