Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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