Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize