the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
