the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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