Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
