I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
