So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
