she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
