she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
