Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If I die, sorry about rent.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
