don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
this just has baby written all over it
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
