Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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