Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
