I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
BRING THE BAGELS
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
