So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
