I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize