There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
