In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
