I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
FUCK WHALES
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
