Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
